It was the second or third day of my freshman year of high school, and I was sitting in Latin class. The day before, the teacher, who was new to teaching, had dumped all of the declension charts on us. The only thing that was keeping me from dropping the class was the realization that I was much smarter than the other people in the room and that in such a small class, things would inevitably be graded on a curve.
And then in walks a sophomore girl, there to tell us about the wonders of Latin competitions. She wore rectangular glasses, and my first thought was that this must be the nerdiest girl I had ever seen. I thought she might be a tad insane.
Naturally that wasn't the end of things, or this wouldn't be even a remotely interesting story.
It wasn't long before I was auditioning for the first play of the year - The Pink Panther Strikes Again (which, by the way, is a horrible show that was only slightly redeemed by the not inconsiderable comedic talent of the actor who ended up playing Clouseau). At the first read-through, I was nervously looking around. I saw some familiar faces from Middle School. And then her. I was kind of shocked that she was an actress. I was even more shocked to find over the next months that she was a very talented actress.
Slowly I came to appreciate Latin - mostly because it was easy, but that's really besides the point. I don't know when I realized that I had a crush on her, but I'm sure it was before the casting of the next play (Christopher Durang's The Actor's Nightmare, a much better show that I somehow managed to get cast as the lead in). I remember standing in the theater hallway, asking her to help me with my Dramatic Interpretation in Latin. I could feel myself blushing the whole time. Well, I'm not sure if I actually blushed, but I definitely felt warm inside. Did I mention that she was definitely the best Dramatic Interpreter of Latin in the state, and possibly the best in the country? Meanwhile, I continually managed to get second at state behind some douchebag I never met.
That was the start of something beautiful in my mind. I must have inflated her into something she wasn't, but as far as I was concerned, she was perfect - she was beautiful and talented and funny and smart and fun to be around. I even liked the way she snorted when she laughed.
The way the schools were set up in my district, sophomores and freshmen were in one high school, while juniors and seniors were in a separate senior high school. So, at the end of the year, I was facing the prospect of seeing her almost never for an entire year. The night before the final theater party, I couldn't sleep. I pulled out a sheet of notebook paper, and tried to write down exactly what I was feeling. I avoided the words "crush" and "love" and everything like that. I think it probably came out a bit like a yearbook message. I told her that she was amazing and that I loved being around her and that I would miss her and wanted to be around her more next year. I slipped it into her Converse while people were playing Freeze (it's a theater game that's sort of improvisational and usually ends up being ridiculous. My go-to move was an alien invasion). She read it and then gave me a hug. It never came up again. I told a couple of people that I liked her that night. It never came up again.
Lo and behold, the next year I did not see her much. She dated somewhere between a couple and a few guys that year. I remember thinking maybe I had a shot with her at the National Latin convention. Nope.
Turns out she started dating one of the Latin guys from our rival school (who just so happened to also be an actor and one of the funniest people I have ever met). And that relationship lasted more or less up until her graduation. They were adorable (see spoon story). I, of course, kept quiet and tried to pursue other girls - unsuccessfully, but those are other stories.
She's had a few boyfriends since she started college. In fact, facebook tells me she has one now. (For comparison, I have had no girlfriends, ever, and the only time facebook would have lied to you was for a week in high school when I decided to change my relationship status to see how people would react - it was impressive how fast I started getting huge reactions).
The last time I saw her was after a show at my high school during my freshman year of college. We both happened to be back in town break during one of the big shows. We talked a bit after the show. I was awkward, but not unbearably so. She said that I should text her and we could get coffee. I didn't have her number.
I haven't talked to her since then.
There are so many unresolved feelings there. I think they will remain unresolved. It might be better that way. Honestly, I'm not sure she knows that I had a crush on her for that long. Every now and then I long for the simplicity of the old days when I had a fallback crush. A constant in a world of variables.
I guess the good news is that we're still facebook friends. That's better than I can say for some of my other crushes.
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